Happily Ever After

“Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble,and He delivered them from their distress.He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction.Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love,for His wondrous works to the children of man!” Psalm 107: 19-21

 

After much thought, I’ve decided to end this blog. It has been such an honor to write this blog, and the wonderful encouragement and feedback I’ve received while writing it will always be precious to me.

The main reason I’ve decided to stop writing it is because I just don’t feel like I have much more to write about at this time. Maybe someday I’ll have something else I feel like writing about, but for now I believe I am done writing about my divorce and the healing process that has followed it.

The second reason I’ve decided to stop writing is because I am at a place in my life where I want to move on. Most days now I have a great sense of peace about my past, and I don’t want to linger on the past. Lately, I’ve had some major achievements in healing and I feel very hopeful about my future. My birthday was in February. If you know me, you know I LOVE my birthday. I realized a few days after my birthday that I didn’t think about my ex or my divorce once during my birthday. I also recently did something on Pinterest that basically every single girls does…I created a wedding ideas board (it’s a secret board…sorry). These both might seem like tiny things, but to me they were huge.

Over the past 2+ years I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned that I am a courageous daughter of God who is resilient and can survive really difficult times with the help of my Father in Heaven. I have also learned that music is very therapeutic for me, thus why I’m considering going to a total of four concerts this week (there’s just too much good live music in Nashville!). I have learned that I have an amazing group of family and friends surrounding me. I have learned how truly blessed I am.

I have also learned a lot about life. I’ve learned that to survive a human needs hope. The feeling of hopelessness is terrible, and I will do everything in my power to keep others from feeling that way, I have learned how to truly trust and rely on God. I have learned how to have true peace about my life on Earth, and that in the end nothing truly matters except serving God. 

Just because I’m ending my blog does not mean that I still don’t have things I struggle with and that I still don’t have bad days every now and again. The main thing I’m still working on is dealing with the fear of abandonment. I’m trying to deal with the fact that people might choose to not be in my life, and that’s ok. It doesn’t mean something is wrong with me (or with them either).

I want to end this last entry with a special message to anyone going through or anyone who has gone through a divorce. You can survive this. I promise. It’s going to take a lot of time, work, prayer, and support, but you can do it. I know it hurts worse than anything you’ve ever felt, but God can and will heal you. You’re also not a freak who doesn’t deserve love. Everyone deserves love, even if the divorce was “your fault”. All you can do is ask for forgiveness from those you’ve wronged, and then forgive yourself. Finally, strive for integrity through the process. You won’t regret that when you look back. God loves you no matter what you’ve done and He will get you through this terrible time.

Thank you everyone for your past and continued support. I love you more than I can truly express and I will spend the rest of my days trying to show you how much I appreciate your love.

 

Forgiveness

“Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” Ephesian 4:31-32

 

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I’ve been attending a Grief Recovery class. The last session for the class is this Sunday, and the final thing we have to do is write a letter. This letter is to the person whom we are grieving (so in my instance my ex) and it is supposed to include three things: apologies, things we forgive them for, and significant emotional statements. Sounds easy enough, but it’s turning out to be one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done.

During my time in this program I have come to the realization that I haven’t fully forgiven my ex. I believe the cause of this is twofold.

First, subconsciously I think it’s my way of holding on to him. If I truly 100% forgive him then I’m completely letting him go. There’s nothing else of him for me to hold on to and that’s really scary for some reason. It also doesn’t make much sense. He’s been out of my life for quite awhile now, so I really don’t have any part of him. Truly letting go of him and forgiving him will be so freeing.

Secondly, it is really difficult to forgive someone who hasn’t apologized. But I don’t want to hold on to my anger and unforgiving heart until I get an apology because I more than likely will never get one. I’ll just be hurting myself if I hold out for an apology. I don’t want to have a bitter heart. I want to be a person of strong character who can forgive the person who hurt her worse than she ever imagined anyone could. I want to have a love like God does.

I haven’t officially written the letter yet, and when I do it’ll be just for myself. However, I do want to briefly summarize what I plan on writing just in case the person I used to be married to is reading this:

If you’re reading this, I’m so very sorry. I’m sorry for any mistakes I made in our relationship and I’m sorry for whatever part I had in our relationship ending. I also forgive you. I want what’s best for you in this life and in the one after. I pray that God protects you and that some day you return to Him.

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.” -C.S. Lewis-

Damsel In Distress

He said to them, “Because of your little faith. For truly, I say to you, if you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you.” Matthew 17:20

If you know me, you know I love Disney movies. Most Disney princess movies have the same plot: beautiful girl gets in some sort of life threatening peril and is rescued by a handsome prince (usually by true love’s kiss). The damsel in distress storylines of these movies are pretty ridiculous and definitely unbelievable.

However, I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve been living my life like a damsel in distress.

I came to the realization recently that subconsciously a lot of my actions (or lack of action) have been based on the belief that someday when I find a handsome prince then everything will magically be better with my life and with myself. Earlier this week I was listening to a song by The Killers with the following lyrics, “You sit there in your heartache waiting on some beautiful boy to save you from your old ways…” These lyrics hit way too close to home because I realized I’ve been waiting on someone to save me.

Before I get too far into this, let me be clear, this is not a man hating girl power post. This is an I’ve got to get in control of my life because it’s my responsibility not anyone else’s post. And a how can I be a happy, effective member of a couple if I’m not a happy, effective single person post.

I’ve got to take charge of my own life (with God’s help). I can’t just sit around waiting for someone else to show up and help me become the person I want to be. Not only is that wrong because I’m putting my faith in someone other than God, but it’s incredibly unfair to whatever handsome prince might come along.

I need to take charge of my spiritual health. I think it’s the dream of most Christian women to have a husband who is a godly, spiritual leader. But as a single woman I don’t think God would approve of me not growing spiritually because I’m waiting on a guy to show up. So to grow spiritually I have been trying to do regular Bible studies on my own (currently doing one about the different names of God which I’ve really enjoyed) and I’ve also been trying to pray more often and not just right before I go to bed.

I need to take charge of my physical health. I’ve often mentioned what a struggle this has been for me post divorce, and I’m tired of inconsistently trying to do something about it. I don’t want to be unhealthy or be as heavy as I currently am, but falling in love with someone will not magically make me healthier or skinnier. This month I have been taking charge of my physical health by doing one of those 30 day exercise challenge things you see on Pinterest with a couple of my close friends. I’ve also started doing the Couch to 5k program (for the third time in my life). I really want to complete the program this time, so any advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

I need to take charge of my emotional health. A lot of my energy the last couple years has been spent on my emotional health, so overall I think I’m doing pretty well here. However, I still have emotional struggles I encounter and no one else can overcome them but me. To help improve my emotional health I have recently started participating in a Grief Recovery class. It’s been a lot more difficult than I expected, but I hope that in the end the emotional wounds I still have from divorce will be healed.

Finally, I need to take charge of my financial health. This is another one I have often talked about struggling with, and it’s one I kind of feel baffled about. I used to be the money manager of the household. I used to be good at this, but now I’m just not and it causes a lot of unnecessary stress for me. I just don’t care what my money is going towards and I don’t pay attention to how I’m spending it. So to help improve my financial health I’m going to get up the courage and ask others who I know are good money managers for help. I’ve also been praying a lot about my financial health along with my physical health since they’re the two areas I struggle with most.

I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be pitied. I don’t want to be known as the poor little divorced girl. I want to be a strong daughter of God (and since He’s a King that makes me a princess, right?!).

I must take control of my own life and become the best version of me I can be, but oh how it would be nice if we lived in a world where all of our troubles could be solved by true love’s kiss (especially if said kiss came from a very attractive member of royalty).

No Other Gods

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:3

The biggest blessing of my experience with healing from divorce has been growing closer to God. I feel that during this period of time I have the closest relationship with Him that I’ve ever had. I’ve drawn close to Him during my grieving, and have seen Him working in my life in so many ways that I could never deny His love and compassion for me.

I’ve written previously about how I let my relationship with my ex take precedence over my relationship with God. I hero worshiped my ex and had him on this super high pedestal. I focused more on what he wanted than on what God wanted, and that’s completely my own fault. I have no one to blame but myself about that.

But now that I am not in a time of crisis anymore, I’m worried. I’m worried I’m going to let something or someone come between God and me again, which is the very last thing that I want. I want to love God with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind (Luke 10:27) and I don’t want to have any other gods before Him.

I don’t want anger or bitterness to come between God and me. I sometimes get angry about my situation and look at the consequences I’ve experienced because of someone else’s actions. It doesn’t seem fair to me, and if I focused on that perception of unfairness instead of on the many blessings God has granted me it would be very easy to become bitter. Lately I’ve also been thinking about how nice it would be to get an apology from my ex. Just some acknowledgement that what he did was wrong and mean. This apology is more than likely never going to happen, which is okay. I want to go ahead and have a loving and forgiving heart that prays for him and his well being anyways.

I don’t want fear to come between God and me. As someone who has struggled with anxiety basically all of my life fear is a common companion. I don’t want to be afraid about my future. I don’t want to be afraid about making big life decisions. I want to have faith that no matter what God is going to take care of me. He has seen me through some really tough stuff. He’s never let me down, so why be afraid?

I don’t want displeasure with singlehood to get between God and me. Our world focuses so much on romantic love. It’s in our books, our movies, our TV shows, our advertisements, etc. etc., but there’s a love that’s SO much greater than that. God loves us unconditionally. He loves us so much He gave up the most precious thing in His existence, His Son, for us. It makes me sad to see people post on social media or hear comments they make that insinuate they’ll not truly be happy unless they have romantic love. And trust me, I’m preaching to the choir here. There are some days I want a boyfriend/husband so badly it physically hurts, but being single should be seen as a blessing not a curse. Whenever I get down about being single I think about several ladies in my life who are single and some of the most beautiful and godly women I know. I shouldn’t let being single get me down. God loves me and that is enough.

Finally, I don’t want to let any other human get between God and me. This is the one that worries me the most, since I have let it happen before. Everyone has a passion in their life, and mine is people. Because of that it’s very easy for me to let my love of others come before my love of God. I’ve been meditating this past week on the following Scripture, “Now great crowds accompanied Him (Jesus), and He turned and said to them, ‘If anyone comes to Me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple'” (Luke 14:5-6). My love for others should pale in comparison to my love for God. My greatest fear is that if I get married again and if God blesses me with children I will put my love for them before my love for God. I never ever want to put anyone before God ever again.

Ouch

“So we can confidently say, ‘The Lord is my helper; I will not fear; what can man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6

 

I survived the holiday season! It was definitely a better experience than the previous year. I actually enjoyed watching holiday movies and got into the Christmas spirit!

But it wasn’t perfect or easy shmeasy. I came to the realization that even though now there are fewer times that I hurt when I do hurt it is a more intense pain than anything I felt pre-divorce. Everything just hurts more now.

I hurt more for others when they go through pain and struggles. I’ve always been an empathetic person but now it’s been multiplied. I even have a difficult time watching certain things on television. I’ve had to stop watching a couple shows because I just can’t handle the empathy I’m feeling for fictional characters. This pain is obviously more intense when I know of a loved one going through difficulties in their marriage or going through divorce. I truly wish no one had to go through pain and tough times. I wish I had a magic wand to fix it so that no one would ever hurt like I’ve hurt.

My pain has also been intensified when it comes to the fear of rejection and abandonment. I’m a people pleaser at heart, but this is a little different. I have this fear that the people in my life who I love are all of a sudden going to stop liking me and stop being my friend because of something I’ve said or done. I’ve really been struggling with this lately, and I have been praying a lot about it. I want to have peace in my heart and be content that no matter what happens and no matter who chooses to stay or go in my life that God will always be there. How dare I base my sense of worth by my relationships with others and not by my relationship with God?!

I don’t know if it is common to feel the way I feel. I don’t know if it’s something I’ll deal with for the rest of my life, or if it’s something that’ll go away with time. One of my coworker friends used the illustration that it’s like I have an open wound that hasn’t completely healed. If you put salt on it it’s going to hurt worse than if you put salt on an uninjured spot. I pray that this open wound eventually completely heals, but I have a feeling that certain things might just always hurt more for me than they did pre-divorce.

As I continue to heal I continue to be super grateful for the encouraging people in my life. Thank you for being there for me. Thank you for never having the attitude of “Why isn’t she completely over this yet?” Thank you for listening to me talk and cry about the same thing for the millionth time. 🙂 God has truly blessed me with some awesome people in my life! I love you!

Two Years

“When they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and He delivered them from their distress. He sent out His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destruction. Let them thank the Lord for His steadfast love, for His wondrous works to the children of man!” Psalm 107:19-21

Two years ago this Christmas Eve I accidentally stumbled upon information that sent my life down an unexpected and difficult path. In some ways it seems like it was just yesterday, but in many more ways it seems like it happened in a completely different lifetime.

I’ve learned a lot over the past two years about life, love, pain, and loss, and even though I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone in many ways I’m thankful for what I’ve gone through and how I’ve grown. I think I’m a stronger person, a wiser person, and a person of stronger faith now than what I was.

I’m still growing though, and still working on things.

Lately I’ve been working on being okay with vulnerability. I’ve built a protective shield around myself, and I find that it’s a little difficult to let people I didn’t already know into my bubble. I really want to work on this though because I’ve never been a distrustful person. I want to build relationships with new people and love new people, but it can be scary.

Related to vulnerability, I’m working on rationalizing that not everyone is like my ex. What I mean is, not everyone is going to treat me like he did, not everyone has the same motives he did, and not everyone is going to hurt me. Sometimes my instinct is to assume the actions of others are out of meanness or dishonesty when in all actuality it is just me projecting my irrational thoughts onto their motives.

I still get angry, which I hate. I do not like the emotion of anger…I know there is nothing wrong with feeling anger, but it is a very distasteful feeling for me. It actually makes me angry to be angry. However, I find that I get angry very rarely now. Anger will usually rear its ugly head in two primary situations: 1. If I am having car trouble or some other issue that my ex usually dealt with. I get angry that I have to call other people’s husbands to help me out, but at the same time I’m super grateful to have people willing and able to assist me. 2. I’m having a particularly bad day. Again these are rare, but when they happen I get angry about how unfair the situation seems. At these times I try to remember all of the many blessings God has given me and how even though it seems unfair He will always take care of me.

I’m trying to find contentment in situations I can’t control. For instance, I really want to be a mom. I got to babysit two of my favorite little girls this past weekend and while I rocked the littlest one to sleep all I could think was, “I want this!!!” But I don’t have it right now, and that’s okay. I am so blessed to have so many precious little ones in my life including my niece, children at church, and children of my coworkers. I’m so blessed that my friends trust me with their children and let me spoil them. I want to be content with the fact that even if I don’t get to be a mother someday there are still so many precious children in this world I can love.

Finally, I’m trying to remember to live life to its fullest. I was in survival mode for so long, and so focused on getting through each day (and sometimes each hour) that I wasn’t enjoying just being alive. This was necessary for my survival, but I want to be courageous and live! I don’t just want to survive, I want to thrive!

Overall, I’m really proud of myself. I’ve had a lot of fun this year. I’m trying my best to live life with integrity, love, and courage. I’m learning to love myself more and to be okay with the quirky person I am. I’ve done a lot of healing this past year, and can definitely see that I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago.

So if you’re going through something like I went through or grieving in general please know that it gets better. You might not be able to see it on a day to day basis, but once you have made it through a longer period of time you will be able to look back and see how far you’ve come. So please don’t give up and don’t feel hopeless. It’s hard, but you can do it!

To my friends and family, I am so incredibly thankful for you. I constantly thank God for all of the amazing people in my life. You have helped me survive, and now you’re helping me to love life again. I love each and every one of you more than I can express.

Lastly, I have a request. The holidays can be a really difficult time for those who have gone through a divorce, lost a spouse, lost a child, or have gone through any type of grief. Please remember these people in your prayers and in your acts of kindness.

I love you all and I hope you have an awesome holiday season! 🙂

Protector

“Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the wrath of my enemies, and your right hand delivers me.” Psalm 138:7

 

Last Friday was kind of rough for me, mainly because I was exhausted. That’s when my emotions easily get the best of me. I was on my way to the church building to help with a special event, and I started bawling while sitting in traffic. So I did what I usually do when I randomly start bawling, and I called my mom. She was busy, so she told me to call my dad and I’m so thankful for the conversation I had with him. During the conversation I realized that I often take my dad for granted and overlook how wise he is. Through my tears I vented to him about how easily I get hurt due to the fact that I am so passionate about the people and things in my life. He then told me that he wished he could protect me from all of the hurt, but that he couldn’t (which was so sweet that I started crying again). 

When my ex left I felt very vulnerable. The person who I thought was supposed to protect me had done the exact opposite.

So now I find protectiveness very romantic. Whenever a male character in a book or movie puts himself in harm’s way for the girl he loves it makes me swoon. I dream of the possibility of having a husband in the future who truly loves me and is protective of me (in a healthy way). 

But even if God blesses me with a good man, they’ll only be a man and just like my dad they won’t be able to protect me from all of the pain and hurt in the world. The only one who can truly protect me and heal my wounds is my Father in Heaven. 

So as David wrote in Psalm 27:1, “The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?”

Brave

For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, “Fear not, I am the one who helps you.” -Isaiah 41:13

One of the qualities I admire most in someone is courage.

Earlier this week we celebrated a day where we honor those who have had the courage to fight for and defend their country.

Today I’d like to honor those who are courageous in a different way, and in a way that may seem small to others.

When you’re going through a huge loss like divorce there are days that it takes a significant amount of courage just to get up in the morning. The mornings were one of the most difficult parts of the day for me when I was in the midst of my grief. I didn’t want to get up and face another day of hurting, and I didn’t know what to expect from the day which was scary.

Today my heart is hurting for someone I love dearly who had to be that kind of courageous this morning and will have to continue to be that kind of courageous for many days to come. Because I know what this feels like I want to take all of the pain away from them so they don’t have to be brave, but unfortunately I can’t do that.

Thankfully, there is someone who can. I know that with God on their side they will be able to conquer the fear and dread of trying to survive another day. I know that God will send them the peace that passes understanding in the moments they feel like they can’t go on. He will protect them and provide for them even during the worst and lowest moments of their life.

If you’re facing the fear of getting up in the morning, here are some things that helped me. Start the day off with a prayer for strength, courage, and peace. Have an “accountability partner” that will call/text/harass you to make sure you’re up and headed to work/school/whatever you have to do that day. For me, my mom was usually this person and there were days I truly needed her tough love to get me out of bed. Try to plan something to look forward to each day even if it’s something small like treating yourself to Starbucks or ice cream. This last one might be something that worked only for my quirky self, but there were days that I would imagine I was a fierce warrior. Before I got up I would envision myself putting on my battle armor, grabbing a sword, and yelling a battle cry as I charged at the day I was about to face.

There are so many different kinds of courage and bravery. Today, I will lift up a special prayer for those who are being brave by simply getting up in the morning, and will thank God for giving me that type of bravery when I needed it.

Confession

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.” James 5:16

 

Recently I realized I’ve had a sinful attitude about something.

I have felt bitter and resentful towards someone, and it’s not who you think it is.

Since I went through what I did I have known several loved ones who have gone through similar situations (divorce, abandonment, affairs, etc.). After I learn about what’s happened to them I get really angry at the “guilty party” in the situation, and in several situations I’ve actually become somewhat bitter towards that person.

Which is weird to me, because I don’t feel bitterness towards my ex so why do I feel bitterness towards these individuals?

I think the primary reason is that I am super protective of the people I love. I’m like a weird mix of a golden retriever and a mama bear. If you’re my friend you’re my friend forever, and I will do whatever is in my power to help you and protect you from any hurt.

I think the realization that I had a sinful attitude came to me the other night when I was praying for my ex, and I realized I never prayed for the “guilty parties” in the situations I previously mentioned. I pray for the “innocent parties” and that God will protect them, give them peace, and provide for them, but I should be praying for both individuals in the situation. I should pray that God is able to restore their marriage. I should pray that God will soften both of their hearts and help them forgive each other. I should pray for the well being of both spouses (or ex spouses). I should pray that the “guilty party” repents and comes back to God.

So from now on I’m going to do my best to remember to pray for these people even if I feel anger towards them for hurting someone I love. I will also ask God to forgive me, soften my heart, and help me have a forgiving attitude. I do not want to have a heart full of bitterness and resentment. I want to love others like God loves them.

 

 

Worthy

“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him.” Romans 8:16-17

 

Over the past couple years I have observed that people often get tattoos after surviving something difficult. These tattoos are a reminder of the struggle they have overcome, a loved one they have lost, or a lesson they learned that they don’t want to forget. One of my favorite tattoos I have come across is that of a friend who has a tattoo of the word “worthy”.

After going through what I went through I sometimes struggle with remembering that I am worthy and not worthless. I struggle with feelings of not being deserving of good things. I struggle with feelings of doubt that any godly man would want to pursue a relationship with me. I was treated like something that was worthless by someone I loved, and because of this I have to battle these lies in my head.

Because I am not worthless. I am worthy.

I am worthy because I am a child of God (Romans 8:16-17). I am God’s daughter and as such I am something precious that He made to help do His work on earth.

I am worthy because God loved me so much He sent Jesus to die on the cross for my sins (Romans 5:8).

Just because someone treated me like I was worthless doesn’t make this true. I hate that Satan continues to tell me these lies and that I sometimes believe them. God made me, Jesus died for me, and I am a daughter of God… I am definitely not worthless.

If someone has treated you like you are worthless please know that you are not. You are a beautiful creation of the Almighty God.

“You’re not the worthless they made you feel
There is a love they can never steal away
And you don’t have to stay the broken girl.”
-“Broken Girl” by Matthew West-