A Year in Review

 ^“Count it all joy, my brothers,when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing”. James 1:2-4

 

I think I’m always going to have a love hate relationship with the year 2012. It was literally the worst year of my life, yet it was also one of the best. I grew more spiritually and emotionally than any other year of my life and I learned a lot of important lessons this year.

I learned what true love is. I saw the love of my Father in heaven in how He helped me survive the past year, how He provided for all of my needs, how He protected me, and how He is helping me heal. I saw the love of my family, friends, and church family through their many acts of kindness. I also saw what love is not through the actions of my ex.

I learned what real pain feels like. I have lived a very blessed life and have had very few significant losses. Divorce is one of the most painful things I have lived through, but that’s another thing I’ve learned this past year…I am a survivor (just like Destiny’s Child).

I have learned how to truly depend on God and how to not be anxious. I have experienced the peace that passes understanding, and I am better able to now hand over my troubles and worries to God. I know without any doubt that God will always protect me and provide for me. I am incredibly thankful for a Father like Him.

As King Solomon learned and wrote, I have learned that all is vanity. The most important thing in this world is having a relationship with God. Nothing else matters.

I have learned how important hope is. I have experienced a complete loss of hope and someone giving me false hope. I would wish neither on my worst enemy. A life without hope is a sad life indeed.

I have learned that I have the most amazing family, friends, and church family a girl could ask for (well I already knew this, but this year just proved it more). I feel incredibly blessed to have such wise, compassionate, kind, generous people in my life.

I have learned that I do not have to be married or in a relationship to be a happy and valued person. I can be of service to the Lord and to others as a single woman.

I have learned new skills. These include how to car shop, how to clip cat nails, and the penny tire tread test (had to learn that one twice, but I think I’ve got it down now).

I have gained new interests and favorites. I learned this year that I really like the genre of Christian music. I learned I like to zipline (I’ve still only gone once, but I really enjoyed it). I relearned how to crochet. I have gained new favorite Bible verses. These include Zephaniah 3:17, “The Lord your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing” and Psalm 34:18, “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”

Finally, I have learned a lot about myself this past year. I now have a stronger sense of who I am and what my strengths and weaknesses are. I am working on improving my weaknesses and learning how to truly love who I am.

I recently “graduated” from therapy, and in my last session I told my therapist that I felt my theme for 2012 was “Survival” and that I wanted my theme for 2013 to be “Fun”. She gave me a better theme though. She gave me an article (which I still need to read) that talks about how people who have been traumatized go through three phases: Victimization, Surviving, and Thriving. So my new theme for 2013 is “Thriving”.

I am really excited about 2013. So far the year has been full of fun and joy. I’ve written down some goals and ways that I plan to thrive in 2013. They are as follows:

1. Continue to grow closer to God.
2. See more live music. I truly love music, and since I live in a city that revolves around the music business I figure I should take advantage of this.
3. Be more financially responsible.
4. Visit friends I haven’t seen in awhile that live close to me (this means you Knoxville, Memphis, Columbia, Decatur, and Cookeville, etc.).
5. Have as much fun as possible and seek out joy.
6. Learn new skills (i.e. how to shoot a gun, how to sew, etc.).
7. Lose 20 lbs and/or complete the Couch to 5k program.
8. Read entire Bible as described here http://www.faughnfamily.com/2012/11/01/reading-bible-kindle/ (Not on a Kindle since I don’t have one, but reading the Bible however much I want each day and not seeing it as something I “have” to read.)
9. Travel somewhere new. I love to travel. I love airports. I love flying.

Thank you 2012 for teaching me how to survive, but now I’m into 2013 and I’m ready to learn how to THRIVE!!!

Surviving The Holidays

“Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted”. Matthew 5:4

 

It’s the time of year where we all eat too much, buy presents for each other, and play a lot of Scrabble (that last one is probably just specific to my family). It’s a time of happiness, laughter and togetherness for most, but for some it can be a difficult time especially for those who have gone through some sort of loss. Primarily we think of those who have experienced the death of a parent, sibling, spouse, or child, but I encourage you to think of those who have experienced other types of loss as well.

This is my first holiday season post divorce. I honestly don’t know what to expect, which makes me nervous. I don’t know how I am going to react. I don’t know what my emotional state is going to be.

I survived Thanksgiving pretty well. I had some difficulty getting through Black Friday. That was my ex’s favorite holiday. He would get REALLY excited about shopping for deals, and I found it very endearing. My family knew this and they were so great and understanding while I was home visiting them. They didn’t push me to do anything and communicated to me that they were fine with me doing whatever I needed to do on that day. The most difficult part, however, was leaving my family which I wasn’t expecting. I was really really homesick for several days after leaving them, probably the most homesick I’ve been since I was a child. I guess this is how grief works…it surprises you at every turn. I never really know what to expect.

I feel that Christmas might be a whole different story, though. You see, Christmas isn’t just a holiday for me it’s also an anniversary of survival. Last Christmas Eve was when I found out my ex was planning on leaving me and then I spent most of Christmas Day alone (he had to work) and in shock. So I know I am going to have mixed feelings about the holiday.The last couple weeks I have felt very anxious. I have been sleeping weird hours, skipping meals some, and it’s difficult to turn off my brain at night. I did not expect this reaction either. I thought I would be battling depression more than anxiety, but it’s just another surprise from the grief monster.

I am going to do my very best however during this holiday season to focus on the positive things. I believe this will be the first Christmas Day since I was married that I will get to spend with my family. I also have never seen my niece open presents on Christmas morning, so I am looking very forward to that. I also am trying to focus on the holiday as an anniversary of survival. I’m not going to lie, I’m proud of myself. I am proud of the way I have conducted myself in the past year and the integrity I have had. I look back on the year and honestly don’t have any regrets regarding my actions. I feel accomplished. I have survived something and continue to survive something I never thought I would face.

And the main thing I keep telling myself is Christmas Eve and Christmas have got to be WAY better this year than last year. 🙂